Once upon a time, a dubious film in both title & plot was conceived, and at least partially filmed. That movie was

Jail Bait

Written & Directed by: Ben Sainsbury

Starring: Peter Dinklage

Yes, that Peter Dinklage – the actor most known for his superb portrayal of Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones.

Jail Bait 2004 Starring Peter Dinklage

This film seems to have been relegated to Hollywood’s dustbin, but in the digital age, nothing disappears entirely.

We* here at Must Have Media love collecting digital litter. For example, we scrounged up the movie poster seen here which includes an apparent misspelling of the movie’s intended website domain – jailbaithemovie.com. We’ve also, obviously, vacuumed up that sweet domain which you’re on right now.

We’ve also dug up this bizarre preview for the film.

dinklage-dafuqBooboos, tutus, cartoons, groovy tunes – still confused? Yeah, us too.

Here’s the synopsis from its IMDB entry:

Teenage fisherman finds a baby in the dumpster and raises her to be his wife.

Ah, the name makes so much sense now. “Bait” because he’s a fisherman. And “Jail” because that mother fucker should be in jail.

Also noteworthy from the IMDB is the inclusion of legendary drummer Danny Carey (most notably from Tool) & Pigmy Love Circus in the cast. They appear briefly at the end of the preview, though it looks like Carey has transformed into a glorious pink light.

pigmy-love-circus-jail-bait

Speaking of legendary artists, digging a bit deeper into the IMDB, another familiar name pops up – Shepard Fairey. That might explain why that filthy dumpster is plastered with a row of squeaky clean Obey Giant stickers.

obey-jail-bait

And this is the part where things take an unfortunate turn. We’ve scoured the catacombs of The Web, and sadly we can’t seem to find a completed version of the film. It’s not available for sale or streaming anywhere. There are no torrents, no Vimeo or YouTube uploads – nothing.

in-search-of-jail-bait

Perhaps it was never finished, or perhaps it was & there’s only one copy hidden deep in a vault within the Eastman Museum, or perhaps this should just remain a mystery because some things are best left unfound.

*all mentions of “we” and “us” are really just a single person trying to appear collectively important.